Just because it doesn’t leave physical bruises or broken bones, doesn’t mean it isn’t abuse. We usually think of abusive relationships as black eyes and broken noses but abuse isn’t limited to physical trauma. Psychological scars are hard to identify. People with painful scars from abusive relationships come to me almost everyday – the basis of ‘lacking confidence and anxiety’ is often founded in psychological scars. Its not just in the school playground or workplace that bullying happens, it happens in the so-called, ‘love and security’ of relationships, in a minority of cases some are self-inflicted. With or without alcohol stimuli, it happens.
Belittling and pointing out their faults to friends
Yelling because something didn’t happen at the expected time
Demeaning because they’re not passionate about your sport or interest
Calling them stupid or making fun or a mistake
Demoralising, calling them lazy because their relax is to rest
Being emotionally manipulative, sulking or crying to get what you want
Demanding they share their password with you
Accusing you of not trusting them
Forcing you to kiss them in public when you don’t kiss privately
Demanding there is no choice if it doesn’t include both of you
As well as similar interests it is the differences that attract us to each other. Intimidating their culture, colour or creed... does not endear, it creates a splinter that develops into a wedge that becomes a chasm.
Whether the relationship is intimate or a sibling, work colleague, or the one you gave birth to, encourage each other’s strengths, even the tiniest of strengths and talents – no matter what age belittling and sarcasm is not a leadership competency, it degrades trust and leaves the victim and witness’s to the occasion looking for the nearest escape route.
Sarcasm is dangerous. If you shame a person when you have positional power, you put them in a difficult flight, fight or freeze position. In time they will power their-self into one or other of these actions flight, fight or freeze. Fight or flight becomes evident to freeze is silent resulting in internal wrath which converts into immune system stress and debilitating disease.
Sarcasm produces the opposite from what you want. Initially you might have someone stop doing something by shaming them, but sarcasm never creates a new positive behaviour.
Consistent sarcasm creates an atmosphere where no one will try a new idea.
The risk of failure and incurring shame is too great. Sarcasm and humour at another’s expense creates doubt, negative energy and destroys trust.
Change! Personal Growth yourself, re-educating, encouraging the heart produces different behaviours, different strengths, and different outcomes. Create your list of values – define your core values and live them.