In the past week I paused to recall the many who I have worked with over the last thirty plus years who have overcome co-dependency to live lives of personal choice and happiness. Very few of these actually left their relationships, workplace or social group. They simply learnt how to be resilient.
“Psychological resilience is the ability to cope with a crisis or to return to pre-crisis status quickly. Resilience exists when the person uses "mental processes and behaviours in promoting personal assets and protecting self from the potential negative effects of stressors.”
Leading people out of co-dependency and back to a resilient state where clear choices are possible is a large part of my work.
I have found that the first important step in understanding this difficult and dis-empowering way of being is to own it in yourself - to see that this is a pattern you are living with.
So lets look at what those patterns are:
When psychological resilience is weak like the darkness after dusk, co-dependency steals a person’s ability to believe in their choices, instead they habitually search for another’s approval.
Although co-dependence can occur in any sphere of effective relationships, it most often appears in the couple relationships or with children, parents, or siblings. In general, the co-dependent person does not know how to set limits in relationships, they don’t know where the interests of the other ends and where his / her own interests begin.
Co-dependence is a loss of self…
... because you're too busy pleasing or serving others OR waiting for others to give you approval to proceed with your own dreams and desires.
Many times co-dependency produces strong levels of loneliness and frustration and sometimes results in becoming a victim of emotional blackmail from the person who’s approval is sought.
The psychological profile is characterized by bruised and broken levels of self-esteem and a high need for approval, to feel accepted loved and valued. In my experience, people of such desire lack skill to express what it is they want or need.
Fearful of abandonment co-dependence victims are highly sensitive to others’ criticism. Their strength lies in the hands of those who decide for them. When all these factors mix, the result is deep insecurity preventing the weakened co-dependent person from venturing out of the comfort zone and pursuing their goals. This makes it very difficult to achieve personal growth.
In this state, trying to extricate yourself from the position you have fallen into for so long is quite a challenge. A good mentor - someone who stands beside you - rather than someone who directs you - is invaluable.
I have found that working with people on a regular basis - assisting them to see the patterns and to develop strategies to regain their strength and own their personal power is the most effective way to regain resilience and return to a position of choice.
From choice comes power - from choice comes true relating - a place of loving connection without the need for judgement, anger or constant approval.
It is the place of belief in self and the resilience you seek.
Resilience means to strengthen UP - to give yourself the approval you yearn for and to be strong.
Choose a mentor to advantage YOU to get back on track - YOUR TRACK.
My ongoing mentoring packages are tailored for this individual work - and combining these personalised consultations with some of the workshops that I offer - will bring you back to a postion of choice.